So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
