some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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