About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
