apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
