How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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