Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
