I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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