I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
