haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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