I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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