he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
