So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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