This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
