I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
