that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
