Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
