mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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