So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
