i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Blow job season was short but glorious.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I would fuck him just for his dog
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
