You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
