Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
