I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
