I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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