I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
