White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
