Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
