my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
