so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
