last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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