A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Randomize
