She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
