Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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