So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
