I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
