ugly people sure do ruin things
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
