I hate all girls vehemently.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
