Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
