Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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