Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
