I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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