I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
a search helicopter?!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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