Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Randomize
