She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
