cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
