when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
