How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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