guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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