I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
