ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
