if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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